Sometimes we need a good cry

So I recently went to see the movie Selma. I was warned ahead of time that it was emotional and I thought I was prepared to experience some sadness. But I wasn’t. It was an unbelievably moving movie and I don’t remember crying that much for any movie. Ever. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the movie, but I cried during and well after the movie was over! As I usually do when I see a good movie, I shared with my friends that it was a ‘must see’. But I also warned them to be ready to cry. What I didn’t expect was the overwhelming response of my friends of: “I don’t want to cry, I’m not going to see it”, or “I hate crying, I’ll pass.”

I don’t consider myself a crier, however, I do appreciate a good cry every now and then and usually feel better afterwards. So why do we hate crying so much? And where did the saying “have a good cry” come from? I dug a little deeper and here is what I found.

One of the most important functions of crying is protecting our eyes from irritants like dust. It also helps lubricate our eyeballs. However, crying can have healthy psychological benefits. Crying is a natural emotional response to feelings such as hurt, sadness or happiness. Crying is also thought to give us a psychological boost by reducing stress and giving us a sense of relief because it is a physical response to an emotional situation. Studies have found that tears (specifically tears linked to emotions) have a higher level of ACTH which is a precursor to the “stress hormone” cortisol. Cortisol is increased during emotional stress and we can literally cry out the stress. Crying also helps lift our moods and deal with painful experiences.

Crying can help express deep emotions that may be inexpressible in any other way. You may even feel cleansed or lighter afterward. In fact, 89% of people in a survey feel better after crying. Crying can also lead to some sort of physical contact when shared with someone. We tend to hug or hold someone we see crying, and physical touch has also been linked to helping stress reduction.

Researchers have also found that those who view crying as a resolution to a distressing event are most likely to find relief, so it helps to find peace in the situation. And if you don’t feel better after crying, don’t beat yourself up about it. Sometimes crying helps, and sometimes it doesn’t. However, frequent or prolonged crying may be a sign of more serious condition, such as depression. If you feel like you can’t control your crying, see your doctor or counselor.

The poet Ovid wrote “It is a relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.” So go ahead and have a good cry.

3 things every parent of a teenager needs to know

If you have ever looked at your teenager and thought (or even said out loud) “what the heck were you thinking?” then you know how utterly bewildering it can be to get on the same wavelength as your child. We all know that teenagers can speak an entirely different language than adults (think “bae”, “basic”, “yolo”, and “I can’t even”) and it’s completely normal to have difficulties communicating with your teen, much less understanding them. So, in attempt to alleviate some of these difficulties, I have come up with a few tips and guidelines to surviving your child’s teenaged years.

  1. You don’t always have to be the fixer. I realize that for most of you, this goes against every fiber of your being. You want to help your child. You want to save them and shield them from the evils and hurts of this world. You want to call that mean girl’s mother and chew her out. But the bottom line is this: unless the problem is a legal one or involves the safety of someone, then you don’t always have to fix it. Sometimes all your teen needs is a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. If your teenaged daughter comes home after being dumped by her boyfriend who is now dating her ex-best friend, you’d be shocked to realize the power of simply sitting down next to her and hugging her tight. I can almost 100% assure you that she doesn’t want you calling his parents, talking to her ex-best friend’s parents, or telling her what you think she should do. There is power in simply saying “I’m so sorry that happened to you. That must’ve hurt so much.” And sometimes that’s all they need.
  2. Empathize! Think back to when you were a teenager… would you ever want to go back to that time? Most of us wouldn’t! Yes, there are probably a lot of great memories from that age, but mostly it consisted of drama. Friends who backstab, heart-wrenching break-ups, prepping for try-outs, stress over grades and sports and homecoming and prom dates and cotillion and pimples and college applications and SAT’s… get my drift?? Every so often, it may be helpful for you to put yourself in your teenager’s shoes to get some perspective. You may not be able to understand why your teenager locks himself in his room after school until it’s time to eat but when you were 17, did you want to hang out with your mom or dad while they helped with little sister’s homework? That’s not to say spending time together as a family isn’t important- just be thoughtful when picking your battles.
  3. The harder you try to control your teen, the more push-back you’ll get. Parenting is a constant trial and error game of kite flying. My dad eloquently perfected this analogy. When you let a bit of string out, it may take a moment for the kite to stabilize before getting straightened up and flying strong. Sometimes, you have to reel the line back in a bit (or a lot) for the kite to catch wind and show you that it’s ready for more line. Get it? In reality, you have never truly controlled your child. If you had then there would’ve been no sleepless nights, no tantrums in the middle of Bering’s, and no arguments over when she gets the car. Ultimately, your teen is going to make his own choices. You can control the encouragement, consequences, love, support, and guidance that you give your teen. Keep your expectations crystal clear and there will be no room for “how was I supposed to know that?!” or “but you didn’t tell me that!”

Life Lessons From My Lab (George) #3: Enjoy Every Moment

GeorgeDog#3

I walked into our back room to find our dog, George, frozen in front of the window. Every muscle in his body was tense and his concentration was locked in on something in the lower windowpane.   I was surprised that he didn’t turn his attention to me as I strolled through the doorway. No, at this moment he was 100% focused on the thing that had his attention. Very slowly, George inched forward, careful not to spook the tiny black speck on the glass. I almost busted into a belly laugh when I realized what George was doing.   My hundred pound yellow lab was, “hunting,” a house fly. I held in my laughter so I could watch as the pursuit unfolded in front of me. The small insect skittered a couple of inches across the pane and George’s nostrils flared a couple of times as he sniffed the bug.   Suddenly, the fly took flight, and in the same second, George’s jaws clamped down on the insect mid-flight. Almost immediately, George spit the fly out. He nudged it with his nose a couple of times, and cocked his head curiously to one side, but the fly didn’t move. I knew the, “hunt,” was over when George sighed and plopped down next to the window. He was successful. It was time to rest. He needed to regain his energy for the next big chase.

There was something about this entire scene that made me smile; and as I sat down to write this blog post I realized that I was smiling because of the way my goofy dog was demonstrating some of the mindfulness skills that I work on with my clients. If you are feeling stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed (emotionally, mentally, physically), and hurried, the following skills will help you to calm down and focus on what really matters NOW.

  • Prioritize – Really think about how you use your time. Does how you spend your time reflect what you truly value?
  • Use your senses – When we slow down enough to pay attention to each of our five senses, not only does it help us to relax, but it makes the task at hand more enjoyable. Touch, sight, taste, sound, smell
  • Don’t multitask- efficiency decreases when we try to multitask. Whether we are spending time with a friend, doing algebra homework, cleaning the house, or finishing a project, we will be more efficient when we focus our attention on one task at a time. You might find the task even more enjoyable.
  • Refocus your attention – When your attention wanders to something else, don’t beat yourself up. Just refocus… again, and again, and again.
  • Breathe – Taking deep breaths slows down our respiration, decreases our heart rate, and brings our blood pressure down. This helps us to stay present to the task at hand.
  • Practice – Don’t be discouraged if these seemingly simple skills prove to be hard to implement. Just like anything else, the more you practice mindfulness skills, the easier these skills will become.