Getting Teens To Talk

Adolescence is the beginning of a long journey toward independence and can be one of the most difficult times for parents to negotiate. Though this is a very important process that parents want for the healthy development of their children, sometimes parents ask the question…what happened to my sweet little angel who used to tell me everything? If you find yourself at the place where communicating with your teen feels like speaking a foreign language, here are a few tips to keep in mind.
  1. LISTEN to the small stuff. It’s how we, as parents, earn the right to be trusted with the big stuff.
  2. LISTEN for the feelings. Summarize what they say and how they might be feeling (even if you have to guess).
  3. LISTEN, even when it’s difficult. IF you opt for getting upset, telling them what to do, or minimizing their issues, (“don’t let it get to you,” “that’s not such a big deal”), you can expect them to shut down very quickly.
  4. LISTEN…without judging. Decide if your teen needs to a) just blow off steam or b) find a solution. If (b), then take the position of asking helpful questions that LEAD your adolescent to find his/her solution. You want them to learn the PROCESS of thinking for themselves.
Remember:
—   The quality of the solution is not as important as the process by which it was reached.

—   The only way children learn to solve their own problems is with practice.

Know The Lyrics

I was listening to the radio when the song ‘Every Breath You Take’ by The Police came on.  Of course I sang along with the radio because it’s such a catchy song.  As I was singing, I actually began to pay attention to the words and freaked out a little. Just in case you don’t remember, here are the words:

“Every breath you take; every move you make; every bond you break, every step you take I’ll be watching you.”

A little stalker-ish right? So I researched the lyrics to check my hypothesis and I indeed was right. Sting did not mean for this song to be a love song frequently played at weddings. He actually wrote this song after separating from his wife and it is about a possessive lover! Yikes!

Of course it is meant to be sinister. Who would perceive it otherwise? Well I did, along with many others judging from how many times this is played on love song stations and in weddings. Just goes to show how we sometimes fail to distinguish healthy from unhealthy. The words are the same, the tune in the same, but our perception is based on observation, awareness and insight.

If it’s hard for us to recognize healthy versus unhealthy song lyrics, then it’s probably extremely difficult to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships, especially when those relationships are family relationships or friendships.

So what makes a healthy relationship? Lots of things including good communication, mutual respect, trust, and honesty.  You are in a healthy relationship if that relationship brings about more joy and happiness than tension and sadness.  If that statement doesn’t ring true in one of your relationships then it is unhealthy.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship:

  • You often put yourself on the back burner for someone else.  You neglect your dreams, passions or even just basic self-care for the sake of another.
  • You feel forced to be or act differently.
  • Your relationship causes you to have low self-esteem.
  • You are not free to express your true thoughts and feelings without fear of repercussions; you find yourself walking on eggshells.
  • You build walls of defensiveness to protect yourself.
  • You are discouraged from growing other relationships with friends or family.
  • You do not trust the person you are in relationship with.
  • You experience abuse – verbal, physical, mental or emotional abuse.

Seek help for your relationship when:

  • You know you need help but you are embarrassed or fearful to ask for help.
  • You are unhappy in the relationship and you are having difficulty getting out.
  • You realize you are staying in the relationship because of fear of being alone or because of guilt.
  • You consistently find yourself in unhealthy relationships.

The key to a healthy relationship is to stop singing along with the music just because you are familiar with the words. Pay close attention to the words; assess your relationships often. Stop and listen, listen to your gut. Are you happy? Are you safe? Are you free? If the answer is no, then seek help and change your tune.

When bullying escalates and becomes a criminal offense

To some bullying may be thought of as a “natural part of childhood” or as simply as “kids just being kids.” Some may also be under the misguided belief that “bullied kids need to learn how to deal with bullying on their own.” These and other misconceptions minimize and excuse the serious nature of bullying while simultaneously contributing to the creation of a hostile environment where bullying can go unnoticed and uncorrected. Moreover, if we willingly relinquish our responsibility and involvement to stop malicious behavior, in effect we allow it to perpetuate and silently communicate that it’s o.k. As a result, the victim may feel he or she has no viable recourse.

It is important to consider the following myths because bullying does not target certain individuals nor is it confined to certain locations.

  • Bullying Doesn’t Happen at My Child’s School.
  • Bullying is Mostly a Problem in Urban Schools.
  • Bullying is More Likely to Happen on the Bus than at School.
  • Children and Youth Who Are Bullied Will Almost Always Tell an Adult.
  • Children and Youth Who Bully are Mostly Loners with Few Social Skills.
  • Words never hurt.
  • Some people deserve to be bullied.
  • Bullying will make kids tougher.
  • Telling a teacher about bullying is tattling.
  • It’s only teasing.
  • Boys will be boys.
  • Girls don’t bully.
  • Children and youth who are bullied will almost always tell an adult.
  • Bullying is easy to recognize.
  • Ignoring bullying will make it go away.

By acknowledging the conditions and inaccurate thinking that contribute to bullying, we can effectively take steps to remove barriers and to reset the standard for what is considered appropriate behavior. Yet, sometimes in spite of our best efforts, there are occasions when bullying escalates and subsequently becomes a criminal offense. Bullying becomes a crime when the offender:

  • Physically assaults someone
  • Harasses someone especially if the harassment is based on gender or race
  • Makes violent threats
  • Makes death threats
  • Makes obscene and harassing phone calls and texts
  • Engages in sexting
  • Engages in sextortion which is sexual exploitation
  • Is involved in child pornography
  • Is stalking someone
  • Commits hate crimes
  • Takes a photo of someone in a place where they expect privacy
  • Is involved in extortion

Please note: Specific legal consequences, policies, and laws regarding the above offenses may vary by state. For more specific information regarding your state’s governance process access the following nationwide map and click on the state of your choice: http://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/index.html.

The specific laws for the state of Texas can be found at: http://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/texas.html.

Additional information can be found at the Texas Education agency website: http://tea.texas.gov/Texas_Schools/Safe_and_Healthy_Schools/Coordinated_School_Health/Coordinated_School_Health_-_Bullying_and_Cyber-bullying/.

CONSIDER

If you or someone you know has experienced bullying or if you are currently being bullied, talk with someone you trust and ask for help. There is no shame in asking for help, and you should continue to ask until you get the help you need. By opening up to someone you trust, you avoid the isolation that comes with being unsure, and you create the opportunity to receive guidance from individuals who can ultimately help.

Sources:

Myths about Bullying: http://www.stopbullying.gov/resources-files/myths-about-bullying-tipsheet.pdf

Common Views and Myths about Bullying: http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-1.pdf

When Bullying Escalates and Becomes a Criminal Offense: http://www.stompoutbullying.org/index.php/information-and-resources/about-bullying-and-cyberbullying/when-bullying-and-cyberbullying-become-crime/

Policies and Laws: http://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/index.html

Texas Anti-Bullying Laws & Policies: http://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/texas.html 

Stay tuned for… Who is at Risk?

Psst…….Is it just me or is marriage REALLY HARD????

(Spoiler: It’s not just me)

Do you ever feel like you are the only one out there that is having issues in your marriage? We can all look to other couples and say, “So and so has the PERFECT marriage! They are always happy in front of others and they never have anything negative to say about their marriage when just us girls or guys get together”. We all know that marriage can be hard for others, but…..what does it mean when it turns out that is true for us? Does it mean that we are failing? Does it mean that we married the wrong person? Does it mean that we are the problem? Does it mean we should call it quits? While of course there is no black and white answer to any of those questions, the reality is that we ALL experience hardships in our marriages.

Marriage IS hard, as is life. There is no perfect marriage, as there is no perfect human. We are constantly changing and evolving and as we do so, we are asking the person we are sharing our lives with to come along for the ride and change and evolve with us!! That is NOT a simple process nor is it a simple request of our partner! This request comes with MANY expectations and fantasies of what “should” happen and unfortunately unrealistic expectations often land us in a place of hurt, anger, and resentment. So if it is true that life AND marriage are hard, that we are not perfect, and that we as humans all suffer from setting unrealistic expectations….why don’t we talk more openly about how hard marriage can be? Admitting that marriage is hard does NOT mean that you are not happily married. Admitting you both have things you would like to work on does NOT mean that you do not have a solid foundation. Admitting you are in counseling to seek guidance on how to improve your marriage DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE FAILING!!!! I would counter those explanations with an alternative idea that perhaps it means that you are willing and motivated to claim a stronger, more connected state of being which takes strength, courage, and honesty! So the next time you find yourself beating up on yourself and your marriage because it feels so hard and you feel you cannot communicate this to others, please try to remember a few things:

  • Take it easy on yourself and your marriage. You are not perfect nor is your marriage, and it just frankly wasn’t designed to be that way. Having problems (as we all do!) may create an opportunity for you and your partner to grow.
  • Try not to compare your marriage to others. As grandmother use to say, “We all have dirty laundry, and I don’t want yours and you don’t want mine”. Even though others may appear to have it better than you or claim their marriage to be “better than ever”, that does not mean they are without problems and it does not mean that because you do have problem that you are failing. We are all very reluctant to admit when marriage is hard, perhaps due to the fairytales we all grew up believing or perhaps because we aren’t quite sure what it means when it is hard.
  • Manage your expectations. Because we all did grow up watching the fairytales where marriages end up “happily ever after”, we often have expectations that are not realistic of ourselves and our partners. It can be helpful to identify what expectations you have and look at whether or not these are realistic or just based on some unrealistic “should”, “ought” or “must” that someone somewhere said was what defined marriage and happiness. We can then start to differentiate between fantasy and reality, which can help us to not set ourselves or our partners up for failure.
  • Seek guidance from a trusted source BEFORE you feel you have no alternatives. Asking for help does not mean you have failed. It means you have the courage, strength, and honesty to admit you are not perfect nor is your marriage BUT you would like to learn ways to improve. Too often we wait until we feel like giving up to ask for help. While help certainly can be rendered at this point, why not start BEFORE that so we don’t feel our goal is so far away? Renowned marriage researcher John M. Gottman claims that the average couple entering marriage counseling has experienced marital difficulties for over six years. Experiencing serious problems for an extended period of time without seeking guidance can mean you unintentionally incur and inflict many unnecessary traumas on each other and the marriage. Why not avoid this damage to yourself and your partner? You, your partner, and your marriage are worth it! If we could shift the concept of “marriage counseling” from asking for a life raft to asking for ways to enhance our love and commitment, wouldn’t that make it easier to ask for help?

Types of Bullying

In March we discussed the definition of bullying. Now, let’s look at the various types and what each involves.

Physical bullying is the most obvious form of intimidation and involves intentionally or deliberately hurting a person’s body or taking/destroying one’s possessions. Physical bullying includes:

+ Hitting/kicking/biting/pinching/hair pulling

+ Spitting

+ Tripping/pushing

+ Taking or breaking someone’s things

+ Making mean or rude hand gestures

Additionally, this form of bullying can involve making threats to do physical harm if the bully’s demands (ex: giving up your money, other valuables, etc.) are not met. 

Verbal bullying, which often accompanies physical behavior, is someone saying or writing inappropriate things about another person. Verbal bullying includes:

+ Persistent teasing, taunting, name-calling

+ Inappropriate sexual comments

+ Spreading rumors

+ Threatening to cause harm

Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves emotional intimidation where the bully intentionally aims to hurt someone’s reputation or relationships by:

+ Deliberately excluding someone from a group activity such as a party or school outing

+ Telling others not to be friends with someone

+ Spreading rumors about someone

+ Embarrassing someone in public

Racist Bullying involves making racial slurs, spray painting graffiti, mocking the victim’s cultural customs, and making offensive gestures. 

Sexual Bullying is unwanted sexual advances in the form of physical contact, abusive comments, gestures, actions, or attention that is intended to hurt, offend, or intimidate another person. Sexual bullying focuses on things like a person’s appearance, body parts, sexual orientation, or sexual activity.

Cyberbullying – with the proliferation of electronic devices cyberbullying allows a person to target, torment, threaten, harass, humiliate, or embarrass another through the of posting personal information, pictures or videos. What differentiates this form of bullying from other types is the far-reaching and instantaneous impact it can have due to the various electronic platforms that are shared by all people: social media sites, email, chat rooms, instant messaging and texting. To a great extent cyberbullying is also persistent (24/7) because the information is live and remains continually accessible to all. Additionally, the offender is readily able to continue this form of bullying since it takes seconds to post offensive information online.

CONSIDER

If any of the information above is resonating with you because it seems a friend or family member is experiencing some of the same behaviors, talk with someone you trust and ask for help. Sometimes we don’t have it in our ability to fix the situation for one reason or another or, perhaps, we may be unsure that bullying is actually taking place. Either way, by opening up to someone we know, we can avoid the isolation that comes from being unsure. Moreover, creating a dialogue also creates awareness and provides the opportunity to receive guidance from individuals who can ultimately help.

Sources:

Types of Bullying: http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html

Forms of Bullying: http://www.stompoutbullying.org/index.php/information-and-resources/about-bullying-and-cyberbullying/forms-bullying/

Cyberbullying: http://kidshealth.org/teen/school_jobs/bullying/cyberbullying.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle

Stay tuned for… When bullying escalates and becomes a criminal offense

Bullying: An Introduction

Is it my imagination or does it seem like there is a surge in reported incidents of bullying? I was led to this question because the topic of bullying appears to be frequently covered by the news media and reports can range from children bullying out on the playground to teens and young adults engaging in targeted harassment carried out online. In fact, a quick Google search for 2015 news articles related to bullying among children, adolescents, and teenagers netted several thousand results. Additionally, my brief search returned another somber finding: a recent meta-study now indicates a connection between bullying and suicide. As I began reviewing page after page of results, questions began flooding my mind: Who is this happening to? What are the warning signs? Where does bullying mostly take place? Why is this still happening, and how can we prevent it?

Bullying pic

“Will I ever be… (accepted, liked, left alone)?”

I’m sure the same questions race through the minds of others after reading a news article or watching a TV report about the latest bullying incident. In an instant the desire to protect our loved ones wells up in us and simultaneously we feel compassion and want to help end these tragedies. Yet, we are all so busy and life seems to have a way of redirecting our thoughts back to our most immediate and pressing needs. Also, based on the number of Internet search results alone, it would take tons of time to sort through and dissect all of the information that is available and, understandably so, most of us are currently too tapped out for that kind of time commitment.

Thus, it is my goal to provide you with helpful facts you can quickly read and readily use. Since this topic has many pathways of information, I will try to pair it down to what is most relevant and will include links in case you want to read further.

Therefore, to begin we must understand what bullying is and be able to distinctly identify the nature of the behavior.

Definition:  Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

+ An Imbalance of Power: Individuals who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.

+ Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as:

+ Making threats

+ Spreading rumors

+ Attacking someone physically or verbally

+ Excluding someone from a group on purpose

CONSIDER

If any of the information above is resonating with you because it seems a friend or family member is experiencing some of the same behaviors, talk with someone you trust and ask for help. Sometimes we don’t have it in our ability to fix the situation for one reason or another or, perhaps, we may be unsure that bullying is actually taking place. Either way, by opening up to someone we know, we can avoid the isolation that comes from being unsure. Moreover, creating a dialogue also creates awareness and provides the opportunity to receive guidance from individuals and resources that can ultimately help.

Source: “What is Bullying?” http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html

Stay tuned for… Types of Bullying

Identifying Passions, Behaviors, Motivations and Interests

The holiday season is typically NOT a time where we allow ourselves the “space” to sit back and think. Why do we do the things we do?  What makes my child behave that way? What motivates my colleague? What interests me enough to pursue it as a hobby, college major, or job. NOPE. It’s the time where we push all  of these questions to the back burner of our minds and think, “I’ll deal with that when I have time.”  Newsflash: two weeks off from school, a couple days away from work, and a more flexible schedule (that is, when you’re not traveling!) is exactly the time to consider these things.  This year, I’m offering some office hours for feedback sessions during the weeks of Christmas and New Year’s  to accommodate people who’d like to come in to receive their feedback while they’re away from work or school.

It may seem like a daunting task to approach questions like those above.  Five years ago, I was faced with some tough questions regarding myself: where to work, who to marry, and how to interact with my family.  Then the Birkman…

Oh, the Birkman (short for Birkman Method assessment).  It’s a  298 question (250 true-false, 48 multi-choice) that you take online whenever you’d like (home, office, vacation, etc) and should take about 30 minutes to complete. The results available immediately after completion and are then sent to me for report preparation. The questionnaire is translated into over 20 languages and, yes, we offer Skype sessions for feedback. There are dozens of report formats for individuals, pairs, and groups. These options make the Birkman a great tool for exploring a college major, switching careers, pre-marital or marital counseling, family counseling, and “figuring out” what makes your relationship with your teenager or spouse thrive or plumit.

What I once thought was just a couple of pieces of paper telling me more about my personality has turned out to be so much more.  I’ve utilized my own results to land a stable career at Heritage Behavioral Health Consultants, marry a man who I can communicate and be vulnerable with, and connect with my sister in a way I never thought possible. If you’re willing to make the time to invest in this tool, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. Call us today (713-365-9015) to receive a quote for your assessment and schedule a feedback session. Spots for the holiday weeks are limited.

Life Lessons From My Lab… GEORGE

GeorgeDog

“No, George! No!” I scream as I sprint across the street. The woman with the beautiful golden retriever has a panicked look on her face as my hundred pound yellow lab begins to mount (yes, MOUNT) her dog. “Oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH!” are the only words that escape me, followed by a slew of other pitiful phrases. “I’m so sorry. I am SO sorry! He never does this. I don’t know what got into him. I’m so embarrassed. I’m so sorry. He’s ‘fixed’…”

As I drag George by the collar back across the street and into our yard, I look over my shoulder to make eye contact with the lady whose dog was just shamelessly humped by my 8 year old lab. Some jumbled version of the following thoughts run through my head:

“I can’t believe I just reassured a total stranger that my dog is, ‘fixed’!”

“I’m so embarrassed, but maybe we can laugh about this?”

“I wonder if she will still be my friend?!”

“I would like to get to know more of our new neighbors!”

My hope for gaining a friendship out of this fiasco is squandered when she shoots me a look of total disgust. As she briskly walks away, the only communication she offers is the back of her head. My mind continues to race.

“What if she thinks I’m a horrible dog owner?”

“She probably thinks that I did not train George.”

“What if she tells all of our neighbors to stay away from us?”

“I hope she doesn’t hate me!”

This is when I catch myself and realize how out of control and irrational my thoughts are. I take a deep breath and start to ask myself some questions.

  1. What am I worried about?

We moved into our new house recently, and I’m worried about what the lady with the golden retriever and my neighbors think of me.

  1. Are there any other fears connected to this worry?

I fear not being liked.

I fear disapproval.

I fear rejection.

  1. Can I control what other people think?

Nope.

  1. If our neighbors dislike or disapprove of me, will I be okay?

Yes. I’ll survive.

  1. What does my anxiety and worry tell me about the object of my trust?

If I worry about others liking me, then my trust is in others. I’m basing my self-worth on my neighbors’ opinion of me and trusting that their opinion is ultimate.

  1. Is their opinion ultimate?

Nope.

I notice my anxiety has dropped significantly because I am telling myself the truth. About this time, George plants a huge, slobbery kiss on my forearm to get my attention. His goofy grin makes me laugh. I am reminded to not take myself too seriously. I lean down to give him a good scratch behind the ear and walk through our front door. George follows behind, tail wagging and I think to myself, “It’s going to be a good day.”

Disciplining Your Child: The importance of presenting a united front

As a parent, how many times have you heard the phrase “But Mom/Dad said I could” after telling your child “no”? Adolescents and teens alike are suspiciously well-adept at the art of manipulation. No, that doesn’t mean that your child is some kind of sociopath- it’s what they are supposed to do!

Children develop healthy identities and values by pushing the limits; this enables them to identify and distinguish between right and wrong. That being said, witnessing your child test the waters can be infuriating. Not to mention the sinking feeling of wondering if your spouse is even on the same planet as you are when it comes to discipline. Presenting a united front is one of the most important lessons to learn when disciplining your child, especially when they are young.

Because little ones are typically black-and-white thinkers, children around the age of six and under are easily confused when only one parent enforces the rules or if consequences differ between each parent. Six year olds do not do well with mixed messages! This black-and-white thinking leads them to the conclusion that one parent is “right/good” and the other is “wrong/bad”. In a home where children constantly hear the phrase “just wait until your father gets home”, who do you think the bad guy is? What about a home where Dad is only about playtime and Mom is the only one to enforce rules or consequences? No parent wishes their child to favor one parent over the other, but it’s only natural for a little one to pick playtime parent over time-out parent. Think about it- if a two year old can figure out that screaming in public can get her that giant cookie, then you can bet a six year old knows which parent will be more likely to give her what she wants, when she wants it. Fortunately for me, my parents learned this lesson pretty quickly… my attempts at pitting my parents against one another in order to get what I wanted worked for about a week before they put an end to it.

As for older children, the importance of being a team in the discipline arena becomes less about presenting a united front and more about modeling appropriate ways to handle disagreements. Imagine this scenario:

Teenaged daughter: “Mom can I go to the party at Sarah’s tonight?”

Mom: “Sure honey.”

Dad (simultaneously with mom): “No way.”

What typically happens next? Mom and Dad erupt at each other in front of the daughter? Daughter begins frantically negotiating? Mom and daughter team up against Dad? If this all sounds familiar, here’s what I have to say: Do NOT miss this opportunity! This is your chance to show your child that you two are a team- teammates may disagree but they strive to work together for the win.

By presenting a united front when it comes to discipline, you’re one step closer to ensuring that your child will not only grow up knowing that Mom and Dad can’t be manipulated, but also being witness to healthy communication habits. The last thing the two of you need is a six year old who’s scared of the one parent who enforces consequences or a teenager who knows (or thinks he knows) how to work the system.

Parenting STINKS – How to maintain your sanity in those first weeks after baby…

As I stood in the middle of my kitchen holding a fussy four-week old, staring at a pile of dirty dishes, pondering when the last time was that I showered, I had a thought: Parenting STINKS. Where was MY new mom glow? Why didn’t my baby look like the perfect, giggly, Gerber ones on TV? Why did I feel like a ghost of my previous self? I was drained, sleep deprived, and seriously questioning God’s decision making skills in allowing me to care for another human being. I was obviously incapable of such a huge responsibility and the fact that I had made no immediate attempt to clean the poop sliding down my shirt was a clear sign that somebody should be driving me to an insane asylum immediately.

I could not, for the life of me, understand how I was not ROCKING this mommy thing! After all, I was the master of the multi-task. Why back in my day (6 weeks ago) I would have had this baby clean and primped, house clean, laundry done, and all while looking like I stepped out of Vogue magazine. Well, at least out of an H&M magazine – who am I kidding? What the heck happened to my life?? It was not one of my finer moments. Most of all, I was NOT enjoying the perfection of that tiny baby in my arms. I was not soaking in her smell. I was not memorizing the innocence in her face. I was not stopping to smell the poop scented roses ya’ll! And it was killing me. The thing is – the “stink” in my parenting had more to do with what was sliding down my shirt and less to do with what I was experiencing once I made a few adjustments. These tips helped me get out of a sleep-deprived fog and perhaps the can also make your new mom experience… well… a little less smelly.

1. TAKE THE HELP: Something about making it through the insanity that is labor and delivery makes us feel superhuman – as we should. You just went through one of the most excruciating experiences that you could ever put your body through. You did it! Your body did not fail you and you brought life into the world. WOW! You can do anything! Yes anything, but that does not mean you have to! It may feel like you can handle everything on your own after that, but the truth is it’s hard and you will only experience your child at this moment this ONE time in your life. You cannot get that time back once it’s gone. So when somebody offers to cook you dinner take that extra time to stare at that perfect little face you delivered. If somebody wants to do your laundry for you –take a nap so that you can enjoy every second with your little one instead of wishing you had some time for a nap. And when some saint offers to stay up with the baby over night so you can get a full nights rest…do a 30-second happy dance and get your tush to bed before they change their mind!

2. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK: We have so much pressure in today’s society to do it all and do it well. We all have that mom-friend who makes it look so easy. The truth is all of us have different circumstances and I guarantee that just because that mom is not struggling with the same situation you are, she is struggling in another area. Stop comparing yourself to the supermom next door or on TV. Take some time to reflect on the challenges that are set before you and all that you have accomplished already…you already ROCK! So support the women around you who are struggling with their own issues and pat yourself on the back regardless of how many dishes you see or how much laundry there is to clean. You will get to it… but in this moment, enjoy the fruits of your literal labor—that bundle of joy.

3. BE REALISTIC: Having a new baby means you are not likely going to get a full nights rest or make it to most of those invites you keep receiving for showers and weddings and parties. Heck, going to the restroom for a few minutes can take some prayer and an act of God some days. Embrace it! One of my good friends told me words that I won’t forget – it’s just a season. One of the more challenging seasons but still just a season that will pass, and WAY faster than you want it to! You have a choice to focus on the sleep, sex, and “me” time you’re not getting or to try and soak in as much of it as you can before it all passes you by.

4. STOP GOOGLING: Being a new mom means a ton of unanswered questions. Heck sometimes you have a good answer but you want the BEST answer. Of course, we all want the best for our babies. The problem is when you are in a sleep deprived frenzy you check out all your apps, Google, BabyCenter, WebMD and any blog you can get your hands on to get an answer that might temporarily soothe you. You are so caught up trying to make sure you are doing something, anything, to get an answer you don’t stop to hear your own new mom voice. I encourage you to let the internet go, even for a week, and trust your instincts. You have some of those answers all on your own. Nobody knows your baby better than you. Seeking answers from so many different avenues can be more mind boggling than the question or concern at hand. Of course if you think your baby has a medical concern contact your doctor, but also allow your inner supermom to shine and allow yourself some room for mistakes. No mom is perfect but the mere fact that you would go to any length to find the answers for your child guarantees that YOU are perfect for YOUR baby.

5. VENT: Get out of the house for a few hours and get some fresh air! YES, you will think about your baby and it will be hard to walk away but give it a few minutes and you WILL feel better. Find a friend or neighbor and take a walk or get a manicure or even join a mom’s group that will allow you to get some things off of your chest. Talk about it with other mom’s-we totally GET IT. We have been there! Besides, dad and baby need some time to bond. A couple of hours away will do wonders to clear your head. A good chat with another mom will do wonders for your soul! Check out my new mom’s group below where you can meet other new mom’s, a therapist and even an MD. We are here for you too!

New Mommies Group Ad